Khalid Picard

We live in Seattle, a veritable food mecca, and recently came across this hilarious Craigslist job posting for line cooks. Having worked in both food service and retail I can sympathize with this owner's pain regarding turnover and reliability. Read on for his laugh-out-loud plea for a proper line cook.

WHERE ARE ALL THE REAL LINE COOKS? (Ballard) 

Craigslist Seattle, July 21, 2017

I'm not asking for much- just a few cooks who actually want a full-time job, want to work and want a steady paycheck.

How about showing up for work? And doing it one day after the other?

Wish list: you don't have a felony conviction in your history and maybe you don't stay up until 3 am every night gaming. Could you possibly have enough common sense to engage in crippling recreational libations on your days off rather than during your work week?

Could you maybe know how to make an omelet AND a proper gravy? Is it crazy to expect that you might be able to work a breakfast/lunch line with minimal supervision and assistance?

Am I out of my head to hope you might be able to make soups?

Seattle is a veritable Disneyland of restaurants and cooks are in short supply. But does that give you the right to be an ass wipe when you do secure employment? Could you maybe not be an ass wipe?

I need a few cooks.

I have a civilized work schedule to offer, with actual days off in a row, and benefits and vacation and sick time, and competitive pay. You know, adult stuff. Are you an adult?

If so, please read the below instructions:

If you have ZERO intention of actually taking the job when you send a resume, please have the common decency to respond to my emails with a courtesy lie such as "I found another job". It takes a lot of time to respond to numerous applications and getting no reply is insanely frustrating.

If you accept an interview but change your mind, please have the basic human kindness to let me know you won't be coming. I put a great deal of effort into preparing for an interview and arrange my schedule to suit yours. When you don't show up, I want to track you down and stick a fork in your eye. I can't, of course, which makes me crazy and screws with my faith in humanity.

If you come to the interview, and you're not a shit show, I am going to hire you, because I am desperate for competent help. If you accept the job, fill out our paperwork (taking time from the Business Office Manager), agree to a schedule (which I have redone for the 4th time to suit your requests), and then decide you just can't bear actually DOING the job, PLEASE don't text me about your "family emergency" or "grandparent illness" two hours before you are expected for your shift. If I had ten bucks for every "family emergency", I could take my entire family and our neighbors out to dinner at Canlis five times.

And finally, if you come to work for me, and you last through your shift, and you act like a normal person and do a fine job, and then NEVER COME BACK, then I curse you and put a pox on you and all future employment you seek or acquire.

So, by all means, reply to this email. Let's see how this goes.